It’s been a rough year, hasn’t it? And even as 2021 looms over the horizon, I think even the most optimistic folks would have difficulty seeing the coming glass as half full. COVID-19 continues to rage on in several countries. The impact it has had on all aspects of life has been harsh, but it is not yet clear just how harsh it will be when it ends.
Singapore has been fortunate thus far as local infections seem to be at a controllable level. There were certainly missteps along the way in the policy to tackle it, but credit has to be given where it’s due. I am grateful to everyone in the Government for having worked to contain the spread of the virus. And I wish them all the best in dealing with what comes next.
That felt a bit strange to type. Even though it has been more than six months since I left the Ministry of Foreign Affairs Singapore (MFA), I continue to say “we” rather than “they” when I am in a conversation where topics involving MFA and/or the Singapore Government are involved. It’s not surprising, I suppose, considering that it was the one and only full-time job I have ever held in my life. It wasn’t always a good time, but I won’t be looking back in anger at my time there.
The decision to call time on my career was not one I took lightly, but it was the first step in the next phase of my journey through life. I will turn forty next year, so I guess it’s fair to say that leaving was the result of a mid-life crisis. But I prefer to see it as a mid-life opportunity. An opportunity to write an all new story and not just a continuing chapter in the same book.
Even without a global pandemic, life can be pretty daunting. It is an endless struggle of trying to make sense of our daily experiences and the emotions they provoke. And then we try to make plans to better prepare ourselves to deal with possible repeats of any given situation, only to discover that Mike Tyson was right – “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”
Everybody has their own pile of crap that they need to deal with. Everybody has their own baggage which may complicate their ability to deal with that crap. And everybody responds to each kind of crap differently. I have spent the last few months trying to make sense of my crap and my baggage, as well as refine my responses. I am happy to say that I have stayed open to the possibility of being punched in the mouth and even prouder to say that I do not have a glass jaw. Rather, I have discovered a resilience whose depths I have yet to plumb fully.
For example, there was a time when I fretted over whether I would find new students for my conversational Malay classes after my first two completed the course. I was also very lost about content and lead generation. I didn’t despair though. I worked on improving and refining the syllabus and learning more from others who were plying a similar trade. I also tried my hand at doing on site interpretation for a media company which also led to a gig to translate subtitles. Not to mention that it gave me a peek into the lives of the foreign workers who have played a big part in our development as a country but have remained at the fringes of our society.
I have also discovered empathy and humility. I started volunteering during the last General Elections with the Workers Party (WP). After the polls, I have continued to give my time at various grassroots activities. I started volunteering on a bit of a whim. I had been very tired from a day of writing, and was randomly browsing Facebook. Noticed a post from the WP Youth Wing page, which had a button for signing up. Decided to give it a go more out of curiosity than anything else.
Primarily, I wanted to challenge some of my own long held assumptions about life in Singapore. I had spent many years living overseas after all, and there was a niggling feeling that my vision had become very narrow. During the campaigning period, I interacted with a wide variety of individuals and families. Though brief, the experience opened up my eyes a little bit more than they had been previously. It was and still is educational. I am learning to be more understanding of others as well as of myself. And to be less judgmental. I like helping.
Interestingly, I have also found that my experience as a civil servant have been helpful in various ways in my volunteering. Soft skills for the win.
Speaking of soft skills, I have found it very curious that despite the tough times, I have found job hunting infinitely more fruitful compared to the year before. In 2019, I was sending my CV and submitting applications very regularly. There were some interviews but no yield. Since I resigned however, I have submitted only two applications and have received seven expressions of interest. The only negative experience so far involved one of those applications. That was with a language school, with whom I interviewed and also conducted a trial class for. They ghosted me eventually.
The unpleasantness from that experience was far outweighed by an approach I got from one of my dream jobs in life. Something I had never expected. And yet, I voluntarily gave up that opportunity. That was one of the toughest choices I have had to make to date. Ultimately, I realised that as much as it was my dream job, it was incompatible with the path I wanted to take in life. Five or ten years earlier, and I might have very well taken it.
So from the job front, there were two main lessons. First, while it is better to have a job waiting before you resign, it is not entirely a prerequisite. Leaving could open up new doors you might not have even thought of. Second, my dreams are not always compatible with each other. There will have to be sacrifices along the way. I was only able to make the tough choice with help and wise counsel from my good friends. Not everyone had the same views and I was all the better for it.
Which brings me to the next highlight of the year. Learning that I am not alone in my journey. We all know this for ourselves to some extent, but we have a passive grip on it. Most of us probably have an inner circle we rely on, and even then it is not always the case that we will reach out to them. For me, it was complicated to maintain the friendships due to personal weaknesses and fears. But 2020 has been the year of opening up and accepting help. And understanding that I am also helping others when I seek help from them. I am and will be forever grateful for the many friends who have let me lean on them and also leaned on me.
I am still learning to be a good friend but I think I have made more progress these last few months alone in fixing and building good relationships than I have in the last decade combined. Sometimes it involved taking difficult steps but it was better than sweeping unresolved issues under the rug. I won’t always be able to help but I will always try.
So that was pretty much the year that was 2020 for me. A crazy year to be sure, but a deeply fulfilling one. I have a lot to work on in 2021, but I’ll leave that for another time. For now, I hope that everyone can find at least one good thing to cherish in the year that is about to end.
Happy New Year!
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